A man walked into the doctors,
He said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go to those places"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
Geez...He wasn't very happy.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 5 cents a month for the next 2 years.

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Phone

I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
That's when I hit a tree.
A policeman came up and asked 'What happened to you?'

I replied "I careered off the

* Artery: The study of paintings

* Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria

* Barium: What doctors do when patients die

* Benign: What you be, after you be eight

* Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome

* Catscan: Searching for Kitty.

* Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.

* Colic: A sheep dog.

* Coma: A punctuation mark.

* Dilate: To live long.

* Enema:

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man falls asleep that night, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was.

"We can't tell you.

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest..

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, "Are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts

The

comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores..
'Not yet,' said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's more than a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for

who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now

lived on a quiet rural highway.
But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do