If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer,

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap

? Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

? Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

? Drunk gets nine months in violin case

? Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

? Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

? Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

? Stolen Painting Found By Tree

? Judge To Rule on Nude Beach

? Police Discover

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'?? The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'?? The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don't want

It was the last day of school, and all the students were bringing presents for their teacher. A florist's daughter came up and gave her teacher a box.
The teacher said, I'll bet these are flowers!” The girl replied, “How did you know?"

“Just a lucky guess,” she said.

Next, a boy whose family owned a candy store came up and gave the teacher a box. She said that she knew it was candy.

There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady

Young gunfighter walks into the saloon in the old west. As often happens the room goes deadly quiet, except for the piano player who just keeps playing his tune.

The young gunfighter does not like this and draws his pistol and shoots two holes into the piano. The piano player just keeps playing his tune, so he then shoots out the candles on top of the piano but he just keeps on