Strategy Informer  

It’s a cold, wet and windy evening in London and tonight we’ve traipsed to Trafalgar Square to attend EA’s unsubtle Red Alert 3 launch event in the dubiously titled ‘Battledome’ (a clear PVC tent with limited heat retaining qualities). Packed to the rafters with members of the press and general public keen to get some hands on time with the game (or a perv at Gemma Atkinson),

Raucous, heavy ‘rawk’ music blasts out from the huge sound system as a huge video screen runs Red Alert 3 trailers on a constant loop, shouting incomprehensible stuff about the game – an unrelenting assault on the eyes and ears. After 30 minutes of sitting, watching loud trailers repeat over and over, unable to get through the masses to the bank of 360s running the latest instalment in the Red Alert series, the event begins in earnest.

Cue two members from the game’s development team (David Silverman and Raj Joshi) performing their comical Battlecast shtick, blathering on about various inconsequential things with tenuous relevance to the game and introducing more game trailers. Best of these trailers were the David Hasselhoff ‘Conquer This Life’ infomercials, which were actually genuinely funny. Not so funny was the rest of the show, which desperately tried to raise laughs. Top marks for effort though.

Overheard at the show: “This is f***in’ hilarious!” Um, no it’s not. It’s mildly amusing at best.

Interviews with one of the game’s soundtrack composers were interesting (the parts that were audible, anyway) as were the Q and A sections between members of the audience and the developers. The rest was really just disposable promo fluff for the benefit of the buying public.

As the show went on, uncomfortable stirs began to ripple through the crowd, but the announcement that Gemma Atkinson was about to take to the stage prompted the male collective to crane their necks up in unison, hopping up on tiptoes to get a better view of the Hollyoaks star. Trotting out in spangly sequin dress, it was difficult not to notice every single bloke staring at her as she talked about her role in the game. She answered such contentious questions as, “Who would win in a fight? You or Jenny McCarthy?” Answer? “I definitely would because I’m from Manchester.” Fair enough.

Pretending I wasn’t interested I looked around the arena, granting her the odd glimpse to see if she was still there. Two minutes later, she wasn’t. Graciously staying for a full five or ten minutes to sign posters, Atkinson then departed after a tough fifteen minutes ‘work’. It’s a hard life.

Overheard at the show: “Gemma Atkinson is fit!” Meh. She’s alright if you don’t mind silicon and read Nuts.


With the show wearing on, it was time to begin the tournament between the Russian and British Command and Conquer champions. Displayed on the video screen, the footage was divided into highlights from the action that had been going on in the corner throughout the night. Disappointingly, a British player didn’t even make it to the final, leaving the Russians to fight a civil war after crushing everything we had to offer. And so, a loss for the Brits at Red Alert 3 and a cold, damp night is made all the more depressing. Well, not really.

As the throng began to disperse, I jumped onto one of the Xbox 360’s that had been engaged for the duration of the evening. Finally getting to sample the game, I found that I enjoyed playing it most of all, making it easily the highlight of an otherwise pointless event. All they needed to tell the attendees was that Red Alert 3 is more of the same but better, wackier, nicer to look at and easier to pick up (check out our full review to get the verdict). Still, the event did make me want to check out the official site and watch those Hasselhoff videos again. Watch them yourself at http://www.conquerthislife.com.