Squad Assault: West Front Review
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Hello. Thank you for calling Venom’s Psychic Network, your brain is open for business. You’re thinking of a number somewhere between one and three. No, don’t say anything. Let me guess. Hmmmm, hold on I’ve almost got it. Ok, no I don’t, give me a hint. Something to do with war? And there’s only been about nine hundred and fifty billion computer games made about this war? Oh I got it! It’s a World War II game! I’m the greatest psychic ever. Ok I’m zoned in now, my powers tell me more specifically it’s Eric Young’s Squad Assault: Westfront. THAT’S the game I’m supposed to review?!?! What the hell have I been doing playing Britney Spears Dance Beat for the last 2 weeks then? Fine, I’ll interrupt my groove and review the war game but from here on out it shall be known as Squad Assault because I’m not typing that long damn title again. As the title kinda, sorta, absolutely, exactly explains, we’ve got a squad level combat game set during WWII on the Western Front. Imagine that. That’s enough right? Review over, let’s all go to Bojangles for some seasoned fries (one day I’m going to get a kickback from some company for my efforts). Alright, alright, alright, I know what you. I am psychic after all. You want more. Well I want more too. More stuff to blow up.

So what’s the low down on Squad Assault? Well, if you’re ready to read some drivel I’m ready to lay it on heavier than Fat Albert’s left butt cheek. Let’s rock and roll. But I must give warning. I’m ignoring thousands of years of tradition and breaking out a new review format today. We’re going to go with 4 general sections: Overview, Good, Bad, and I’m Tired of This Crap So Let’s End This. If you hate it…too bad, it’s my review. No, just kidding, send me an e-mail or post a suggestion on the boards if it sucks, which I’m sure it does. Note: Telling me to “get bent”, “go to hell”, or “die bastard” isn’t really a suggestion nor is it anything new. If I want that kind of talk, I’ll call my mother. And if that’s really what you want to say, stuff it, you’ll just get the same in reply from me. One final note (I swear), I’m going to do my best not to mention the Combat Mission suite of games. While similar, they are fundamentally different.

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The overview of Squad Assault goes a little something like this… Included in the game are 48 single missions, 10 operations, 3 campaigns, and a map editor that gives you the power to create just about any battle you can think of. The operations and campaigns are just a linked set of single missions with one important addition. During operations/campaigns surviving troops can carry over and get stat increases that turn them from green wussies crying out for momma while crapping their pants when Jerry starts shooting and lobbing Potato Mashers, into battle hardened heart breakers and life takers. I think I just had a flashback there. I suddenly feel the urge to shoot something. The map editor is pretty straight forward but I don’t know if you can share maps between gamer. That’d be cool and all because you can do that in Combat Mission. OOOPS! In any case, I’ve got all these pretty maps that I yearn to smear blood on and blow holes in. “What kinds of units are available for me to smash bullets into?” is what you were going to ask. You’re in luck. You get a plethora (butt load to the lay person) of units to play with. Units your mom won’t yell at you fondling, you sick, sick human being. We’ve got Scouts, Shermans, Fireflys, Wolverines, and Machine Gun Platoons for the Allies. We’ve got German Panzers, Zugführergruppes, Panzerfausts, and Schnitzels (fire the weiner!). There’s a damn lot of game there. Of course in many things like some computer games, baseball cards, and monkey assassins it’s mostly about quality over quantity and the AI is up to par to provide said quality, at least when it’s defending. The attacking AI tends to be slightly retarded and confused, like a drunk, three legged dog on a steep, icy driveway however.

Let’s talk now about the things I like in this game. The technical aspects of this game are very good. We’ve got great graphics, great sound, and nice blood pools when units die. It’s all impressive stuff. Every unit is modeled excellently and looks almost as good as Alyssa Milano in Embrace of the Vampire. My favorite part of the game is definitely the sound though. I actually found myself fearing the impact of artillery, not only on a strategic level where it ripped a 20 yard wide hole in my lines, but also on a purely BOOM baby level. Me likey big boom. I also dig the real time aspect of the game. It gives you more of a hurried feeling that is surely present in real combat. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Yes, you can pause the game and issue orders if you want but unlike Combat Mission (OOOPS!), the game manages to maintain a faster feel. Also, the strategy and tactics of the game are enjoyable, I guess mainly just because they’re actually present. Because, let’s face it, if there wasn’t some strategy involved in a WWII game I’d light it in on fire and throw it through my neighbors window. I guess I’ll have to find some other way to burn him. In the meantime, I’ve got a solid multiplayer game to keep me company. It turns out the game gets better when you remove the drunken, three legged dog syndrome.

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It’s a very rare game that turns out perfect (I can think of maybe five in my lifetime), and Squad Assault is no different. I’ve really only got a few issues with this game, but for some reason these things drive me crazier than a crackhead on payday. I’ve got problems with both the user interface and a few general game play aspects. Quick! Listen closely. Hear that CLUNK? Is that an anvil hitting the floor? No it’s not. That’s the sound of the user interface and my head hitting my desk. Entirely inefficient and difficult, the interface makes me want to kill babies and burn rain forests. Okay, maybe not the baby part, but I definitely want to napalm large parts of Brazil. I kept right clicking on a unit to bring up the order list and the damn command menu pops up all the way on the other side of the screen and not anywhere near the unit I’m trying to fling towards certain death. The only way I can accurately describe how much this annoyed me is to provide a brief transcript recorded by my secretary on November 14, 2003.

Lord Master Venom: Alrighty then, let’s just send this Scharfschütze over there to start the killing…What the hell? That command menu is WAY out of the way. Computer: WHHHHIIIIRRRRRRRRR LMV: That’s really, really annoying, especially in a huge ol’ slobberknocker with lots of units and fighting going on. *beer can opened* *chugging* *loud belching* Computer: WHHHHIIIIRRRRRRRRR *3 minutes pass* LMV: DAMMIT! I swear by all that is holy! This mother @#$%^*& menu is in the wrong damn place. Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Computer: WHHHHIIIIRRRRRRRRR *2 minutes pass* LMV: AARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!! HULK SMASH! *smashing sounds* *glass breaking* *explosions* *gunfire* Computer: ………………………….

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To top it all off, I knocked over my beer and blacked out from anger. I woke up outside on my lawn wearing nothing but a tutu and a football helmet. It happens. I would also like to offer a helpful suggestion to future interface designers: DO NOT FEAR THE TOOL TIPS! Dear Lord, it’d be nice to be able to hover over a button that looks like a smear on some toilet paper and have a nice pop up bubble tell me what the hell I’m looking at. There are a few more minor quibbles which make the user interface the overall weakest part of the game, but like the zoo keeper said when changing his baby’s diaper, I’ve seen worse, so let’s move on. A couple of other points to wind up this section of evil, the camera controls are kinda screwy and definitely take some getting used to before you move past the “mashing the keyboard to find the right angle and screaming obscenities as the world below you spins and zooms and flies by” phase. It’s also tough sometimes to see your own units in the field. It’d be nice to have some kind of unit bases to make it easier to spot your guys, but I guess that’s the point of wearing camouflage. I feel like I should insert Robin William’s rant on camo from Good Morning Vietnam here, but I’ll spare you. I sense irritation and loathing in you.

So we’re all tired now. Well, I’m tired and you’re bored. Don’t try and hide it, my powers see all (including your dirty, dirty thoughts about your cousin). After all, I’ve been writing this review for at least 8 minutes and I think that’s enough. Squad Assault is a very solid game with several things going for it; like graphics, sound, unit variety, and map quantity. It lags behind Combat Mission (OOOPS!) since CM carries a more detailed and complex strategy layer that you can see, feel, and use. Squad Assault lacks all the juicy, and yummy, and tasty unit info that gives a WWII game great depth. Every idiot knows you don’t send a Sherman to battle a Königstiger one on one, but Squad Assault doesn’t really tell you why you shouldn’t do that. And for hardcore strategy enthusiasts, the why is very important. So, let’s see if I can boil it all down into one line and totally invalidate my entire review: Squad Assault, very good game, but it falls a little short of fulfilling a hardcore WWII strategists needs. It’s kind of halfway between hardcore games and those lame RTS games that just use skins from real WWII units. And yes, I totally agree with your thoughts, this new format sucks. We’ll go back to the old one next time. Thank you for using Venom’s Psychic Network. Your credit card will now be charged $563.67. Please call again.