Imagine welcoming back an old friend. Just his presence, and the fiery hair upon his head, brings back memories of years past. As ever, his face is obscured by ingenious humour, for any guy who trundles round with a clown mask on is a hoot. Unfortunately, years of gruff-voiced narration and overzealous killings has forced some not-so-funny habits on the old pal. For some reason, he seems hell-bent on continuously punching you in the face.

Twisted Metal hates you.

It really is extremely difficult to discern how a car-combat game can lack any sense of fun, but this long-awaited sequel attempts such a feat with unmistakable conviction. On paper, Twisted Metal remains an enticing project. Sometimes, you just want to hop in an armoured police car and destroy everything in your path. I understand that. What I don't understand is how Eat Sleep Play has developed a game that overcomplicates and bores the premise to such an unsatisfactory non-result.

There's no time for CLOWNING around HAHAHA!

The warning signs arrive early. As a starting block, the tutorial quickly highlights how this title is needlessly complex. Alongside your primary and secondary attack, you have a number of other useful functions at your disposal. This includes mines, sticky bombs, shields, and the ability to unleash a special offence. Boosts are also available on-draught, with double-tap and rear variations thrown in to cover all angles. If you so desire, your car can hop off the ground, perfect for evading persisting dangers. While it's great to have such a diverse arsenal, in the heat of battle, the controls fall short. Every encounter is amazingly fast-paced, meaning the fiddly set-up often ensures damage isn't dealt effectively.

With this said, you won't realise if you have managed to catch an opponent with a striking blow. Health metres are minimal, especially in the distance, so it's difficult to outline one enemy as the main focus for attention. Although minimal damage scores appear every time you make contact, the game provides very little feedback on your progress. Most of the time, I was unaware of a struggling foe, only to be rewarded with the kill. It would be great if any kind of tactical prowess rewarded players, but the reality is a lot more random. Sure, this makes each match unpredictable and dramatic, but mindless chaos is only entertaining for a short period of time.

They see me roll in...

While a story mode is included, the narrative is loose and won't resonate long in the mind. Sweettooth, the grinning clown who fronts the series, is trying to make up for a haunting mistake. As a cold-blooded killer, 'the one who got away' is a chilling way of describing the only victim who escaped the wrath of his machete. Like a heartbroken lover, Sweettooth begins to stalk the escapee once more, although his journey goes beyond the realms of looking at old Facebook photos. When the Twisted Metal tournament rolls round, Sweettooth's flaming cranium burns a little brighter. The evil mind behind the carnage, Calypso, promises one wish for the winner. For our distraught hero, this is the whereabouts of Miss Gotaway.

It might seem intriguing, but cutscenes are badly produced and repetitive enough to stop any engagement. This isn't a major fault, as Twisted Metal doesn't need a fleshed out story to excel. Instead, it acts as a gateway to the action. Completing each objective is no mean feat, as this title ramps up the difficulty quickly. Rather than giving players a little bit of leeway, matches are frustrating. Conditions change with every outing, unearthing another way in which players can get annoyed. The opening rounds underline this perfectly. You'll be forced to race towards specific locations on the map, and if you don't get inside quick enough, health depletes rapidly. You can be in complete control of your existence until the cage switches, meaning the game is over quickly.

Arenas are expansive and detailed, but when you're forced to race to specific locations, the entire product streamlines itself. It's great that each area succumbs to destruction, but your vehicle doesn't do the same. Other examples also stump entertainment considerably. Extra enemies spawn within matches, and boss fights are needlessly tough. Your vehicle will flip across each location after taking damage, underlining animation that looks completely weird. Instead of advancing the Twisted Metal formula, this sequel is stuck within the dark ages.

Vehicles are diverse, if you make it that far...

As ever, multiplayer will have many players interested in this game. While it should allow unrivalled competitive play, a plague of problems stops this happening. The servers don't always connect, and when you manage to get online, irritating lag niggles at proceedings. Each match type lacks any real ambition, and team-based events become one-side quickly. By swarming a single opponent, a group of players can easily get the win. It can be fun with the right company, but in all honesty, the consistent connection issues make this another failure.

Twisted Metal never escapes the fact that it feels completely old and archaic. The premise is timeless, and there should always be room for a game of mindless destruction, but the execution is poor here. If you're a fan of the series, you'll undoubtedly find some enjoyment, but for everyone else Sweettooth's adventure is pointless. Basic mistakes and the willingness to punish players at every given opportunity makes this a disappointing and forgettable product. If you want your controller to remain intact, steer away from this one.

Top Gaming Moment: Each arena can be thoroughly destroyed.